A selection of the song competition entries presented at the Skeptics Conference.
Amazing James
Tune: “Amazing Grace”
Hugh Young (idea by Eileen Bone)
Amazing James, at last he came
to inspire a wretch like me;
I once was cool, but now I flame
thanks to (Amazing) James Randi!
T’was James who bent a tablespoon,
melting the heart of Kim Hill.
He could change a watch from nine to noon
and teach us all his skill.
He tuned us in, to a healer odd
who knew more than he should know,
and the healer’s wide, “the Voice of God”
talking to him by radio.
He showed us how the psychics work
quackery in the Philippines;
sticking in his fingers, out he’d jerk
chicken’s guts and blood in streams.
Amazing James is in no way slack
to advance the skeptical art,
yet admires the Morning Glory’s knack
of opening at sparrow fart.
Amazing James, at last he came
to inspire a wretch like me
I once was cool, but now I flame
thanks to (Amazing) James Randi!
As anyone who attended one of James Randi’s lectures will attest, this is a true and accurate record.
An Alternative Hymnal
Tune: “Abide with Me”
Martin & Janette Wallace
Hymn for Homeopaths
Dilute with me
fast comes the magic field —
the molecules dis-
sperse and we are heal’d.
Doubt and disdain
in Skeptics round I see
O, you who still believe
Dilute with me.
Abiding with Acupuncturists
Press deep my flesh
with needlepoint so fine
Rotate the ends
and ease this pain of mine!
Oh pierce my toe
To ease distress and woe.
This hymn for you we sang
with yin and yang!
Chiropractors Chorus
Manipulate
And twist my tortured spine
The nerves are pinch’d
and twisted like the vine!
But please take care
my spinal chord to guard
and don’t forget to use
my credit card.
Aye, Aye, Iridologist Mine
Look deep into
my eyes and iris see!
Give me your thoughts
on what is ailing me!
There you might see
a fault or two or three
Oh, you that thinkest not
Eye ball with me!
Verses of this were lovingly sung at the conference by the Skeptical Trio of Tony Vignaux, Warwick Don and Bill Morris, abetted by Margaret Mahy, Phil Spencer, Vicki Hyde, Cynthia Shakespeare and sundry others.
Show Me
(with apologies to My Fair Lady)
Hugh Young
He: Minds have a power beyond comparing
When they are sharing knowledge from beyond!
Space and time easily unravel
When astral travel takes you to a –
She: – Gone, gone, where is your brain gone?
All your words are a pain, must I hear them again?
They’re all cloned from Shirley Maclaine!
Don’t talk of minds roving through time,
Tune in to mine, show me!
Don’t talk of worlds made in six days,
To coin a phrase, show me!
Anyone who’s ever bought a bargain at a stall
Knows talk is cheap, action is all.
When you get the gadget home, it doesn’t chop the cheese;
That’s when you know you’ve been fleeced!
Don’t talk of a-lien abduc-
-tions run amuck, show me! Show me!
Don’t talk of gods landing from space,
Talking in languages queer!
Show me here!
Don’t talk of see-ing through brick walls,
Don’t pull my curls, show me!
Don’t talk of hea-ling at a touch,
Let out your clutch, show me!
Sure, the world is full of wonders more than we can dream;
All things must be more than they seem!
But if we believe whatever anyone may say,
Our grasp on truth slips away!
Don’t talk of brea-king nature’s laws
Dig in your clause, show me! Show me!
Don’t tell me I have to have faith
In things that won’t take a bow!
Show me now!
