John Riddell contemplates how the newspapers would read if psychics really had the powers they claim

Missing Persons Department Disbanded

(WELLINGTON) In a press conference held this morning Police commissioner S. Holmes announced the Missing Persons Department of the New Zealand Police Force would be disbanded later this month.

“It simply isn’t necessary to maintain the department any more,” Mr Holmes said. “We recently contracted the locating of missing persons to Mr and Mrs Johnson of Takapuna. The Johnsons are both psychic. They have helped us on previous occasions and it became obvious they were much better at finding people than the police could ever be.

“Each day, we telephone Mrs Johnson at 9 am and let her know who is missing. She rings us back at lunchtime and tells us where the missing people are. We have been using this system for a number of weeks now.”

Union representatives initially expressed concern over the loss of so many police jobs but Mr Holmes said those police presently employed in the missing persons department would be retrained and take up positions in another police department.

Christchurch Casino Goes Belly Up

In a shock move Christchurch Casino manager Donald Corleone has announced the casino will be declaring bankruptcy later today. Mr Corleone said that an elderly Auckland couple, who wished to remain nameless, walked out of the casino yesterday after winning 200 million dollars on the roulette wheel.

“We don’t know how they did it,” said a tearful Mr Corleone, “We just aren’t able to sustain this kind of loss in one day. I’m afraid we’re going to have to close.”

Child Cancer gets $100 Million

In Wellington today the Child Cancer Foundation held a brief ceremony at which they accepted a cheque for NZ$100 million. Foundation chairman Arnold Smith told reporters he received a call from well-known Auckland philanthropists Mr and Mrs Johnson yesterday telling him they wished to make a small donation.

“Mr and Mrs Johnson have been on holiday in Christchurch this week. They dropped the cheque into the Child Cancer Foundation this morning on their way home to Takapuna. Mr Johnson refused to comment on the donation but he did have a kind word for Christchurch. “Christchurch is such a lovely town. We think we might go to Las Vegas next.”

New Police Department To Be Established

The New Zealand Commissioner of Police, Mr S Holmes has announced the establishment of a New Zealand Police Transcendental Meditation Division. Mr Holmes said that American trials using 4000 trained meditators had reduced crime in New York City by 16%.

“Transcendental Meditation raises the consciousness of the community to a level where people just don’t want to commit crime any more.

“We have been running a pilot scheme for six months with only 500 meditators and already the crime in Invercargill has halved. It is expected that in New Zealand, with our low population, all crime will be eliminated within 12 months.

“As crime levels drop, those police who would otherwise be made redundant will be retrained as meditators.”

The Law Society described the move as “radical.” Ms R.U. Waiting from the Law firm, Going Going and Gone, commenting on behalf of the Law society, stated, “We really have to give this a lot of thought before we make a move like this. I mean, we have to ask ourselves the question, Do we really want to live in a society with no crime? I don’t think we should be rushing into this.”

Skeptic Convinced

New Zealand Skeptics spokesperson Denis Dutton today admitted he was convinced that Mr and Mrs A Johnson were in fact genuinely psychic.

“I heard the Johnsons were in town, so I rang them up and asked if they would mind if I tested their abilities. They agreed so I set them a test that would have been impossible for a non-psychic person to solve. I told them I had lost a watch. It had my name engraved on the back. I didn’t tell them any other details.

“Mrs Johnson told me not to worry. She held my hand briefly and then told me to get in the car. She then drove me to New Brighton beach where I had lost the watch five years before. Without hesitating she walked onto the sand and down to below the high tide level. She then pointed to the clean sand and told me to dig.

“About six inches below the surface I found my watch. It wasn’t working at the time, but I took it home and on Mrs Johnson’s advice, held it in my hand while watching an old Uri Geller video. Of course it’s working perfectly now.”

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