John Riddell has a few confessions to make.

I struggled out of bed this morning on the first day of the two thousandth year since nothing in particular happened. Rather than watch millenium celebrations a year early, I turned on the Discovery channel to watch one of those Mysterious World, Arthur C. Clarke type programmes. It was called Equinox. They run on water. Today’s mystery was “Why do people still believe that cars can run on water?”

I was worried. This upset me because I thought I’d successfully suppressed all information about that years ago. The programme had a few different inventors who had machines that produced more energy than they used.Or so they said. One was a machine that split water into hydrogen and oxygen. Another was a machine that heated water rapidly using only a small amount of energy.

One of the things that keeps us rich is control of the world’s oil and energy supplies. We really don’t want someone coming up with a cheap and clean energy source. There is this law of conservation of energy which explains why you have to use a remote control to change channels. We have paid off, or threatened all science teachers to tell everybody that in fact the law says you always get as much energy out as you put in. But not more. Because of losses due to friction (heat and sound) you usually get less, but if you take these into account the numbers on both sides of the equation should be the same. The thing is, this isn’t true. We just want people to believe it so we can sell petrol at inflated prices.

Unfortunately, not everyone takes science at school. So not everyone knows about the “new” law of conservation of energy. Every now and then, someone works out that water is made of hydrogen and oxygen. Hydrogen and oxygen burn well and make a good fuel. If this becomes public knowledge, energy will be almost free. The bottom will drop out of the oil market. To stop this, we have spies in all the patent offices. If anyone submits a patent that will allow a car to run on water, we whisk the inventor away and pay him off.

When I saw the programme I thought that maybe someone had got past us. Actually managed to get to the media. But after watching the programme for a while I realised that it was one of our propaganda pieces. We put them out to make people think it is only nutters that think perpetual motion machines work.

One of the best perpetual motion machines is based on the water splitter. (See figure 1.)

The water is split, using electolysis, into hydrogen and oxygen. This is used to power an internal combustion engine (or fuel cell if you want to be efficient), which in turn, runs a generator. The electricity that is produced by the generator is used to power the water splitter. The exhaust from the engine (or fuel cell) is water, which is returned to the water splitter to be used again. Surplus energy is used to power any electrical appliance.

The water is reused. It never runs out. To be useful (and therefore a threat to the oil industry) the machine has to produce more energy than it uses. The easy way to show that it does this is to power a small light bulb or some sort of household appliance. If the machine keeps running day after day, and keeps a bulb alight, then it works. Anybody who does this will be quickly given $100,000,000.00 and told not to say anything. Then we buy up the patent and put it in a file marked “Etruscan love poetry”.

I could tell straight away that the machines on the Equinox programme didn’t work, because they weren’t continuously lighting up a light bulb.

If you have tried to make a perpetual motion machine, but you haven’t been able to get more energy out than it takes to make it run, don’t despair. So long as you can convince people that it might work one day, you can fool investors into giving you money: “To develop it”.

You do what they did on this Equinox programme. To measure the energy produced, you use “Very Sensitive Instruments”. You add up all the energy going in and all the energy coming out. These will be the same, but errors in measurement will sometimes make it appear that there is more energy out than in. These are the results you keep and publish. If the results are the other way around, tell the investors you forgot to desquiggle the conbobulator, and repeat the “experiment” until you get the “right” results.

Scientists will, of course, say it contravenes the law of conservation of energy. Even the ones we haven’t paid. Hire yourself a discredited scientist who says it doesn’t. The general public, and more importantly, the investors will then think it is just an disagreement between scientists. To explain how it “works”, think up some alternative source of energy that nobody understands. The people on the Equinox programme had a guy called Dr. H. E. Puthoff from the “Institute for Advanced Studies”. Puthoff calls his energy source “zero point energy”. Physicists say it exists but it can’t be used. What would they know?

Point out that some of the greatest discoveries in science were ridiculed when first proposed. Don’t mention that for every great idea that was rubbished, there were ten thousand stupid ones. They might work out which yours is.

Actually, I have a confession to make. The Illumanati have this really good plan to suppress any plans for perpetual motion machines. The procedures are all in place. The money for bribes has been put aside. But so far, we haven’t had to use the plan. So far nobody has managed to get out more energy than they put in. So we haven’t had to suppress anything. Ever. No, really. Not ever. You do believe me don’t you?

John Riddell, Illuminatus

Perpetual Motion

Here is one to join the applications for patents on perpetual motion machines. It is said that the British Patent Office received so many such applications that it eventually refused to consider any more that were not accompanied by a working model. Could we hope that this application will be similarly met with a demand for evidence of efficacy?

This item also has a dire warning for expectant fathers — be careful not to tread on your partner’s toes, or she might present you with a child who grows up to be a reflexologist:

It takes skill and experience to practise reflexology, the art of therapeutic foot massage, says Barbara Hobbs in British patent application 2 323 464. She hopes to patent a pair of socks printed with codes which tell novice reflexologists where to press, and which areas to leave alone if, say, the patient is pregnant. The socks are mapped with coloured islands, each representing one of the 11 shiatsu points which practitioners say match 11 key body areas. Novices simply put the socks on a patient, and press where indicated to address specific ailments.
Barry Fox, New Scientist. 16 January, 1999

Bernard Howard

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